Running in water

That’s what it feels like. It feels like running in water.

My brain is sluggish at best. In a few seconds, I can think: “Pick up $20 from the table and put in wallet.” “Grab cheque to pay therapy.” “Check time not to be late.” “Call to make appointment for kid’s haircut.” These thoughts just whiz by like lightning.  And are promptly forgotten the minute lightning strikes.

What ensues is a series of slaps on the forehead throughout the day. “Did you call for my haircut?” Shit. Forgot. Dring – “Yeah? I’m in the car. Can you find me the closest ATM to my therapist’s office? I forgot my cheque.” Fuck. If I had remembered to pick up the $20 on the table before I left, I would’ve had enough money on me to pay my therapist in cash… And I’m late to my therapist’s office. Of course.

Oh: and the therapist I’m talking about? Not a psychologist, she’s my occupational therapist who helps me with my ADHD, and gives me tricks and strategies not to forget stuff and get better organised since I can’t seem to tolerate any meds.

All these things cause me a serious amount of anxiety because thoughts that don’t whiz by to be forgotten the minute they show up just bounce around in my head until I freak out: “I have to write today.” “I have to exercise.” “I have to phone an orthodontist to set up an appointment for the kid’s  ingrown tooth.” “I have to read on OneNote.” “I have to find that web page on Scrivener that I liked but that disappeared when my computer broke down.” “I have to get back to so-and-so concerning that email she sent me months ago.” Ding, ding, ding. My head’s a regular pinball machine.

One trick: OHIO. Or Only Handle It Once. So now I’m gonna go back to cleaning up the kitchen that I left mid-task when my phone rang next to my computer which led me to write this post.

Brilliant.

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Cold Turkey

Off meds as of today – had to quit Strattera or jump off a bridge. Quit Strattera a couple of weeks ago. Was back on Vyvanse because the doctor is away until the 18th and didn’t want to prescribe anything else with unknown side effects without proper monitoring.

Turns out the heavy acne problem around Christmas was not stress but in fact Vyvanse side effect No. 2987450. So painful it gives me headaches. Quit that today.

Will be going cold turkey for a week. Will I still be writing? Will I get out of bed? Will I cry for no apparent reason like today?

Stay tuned for the fun, folks.

Borderlines have more fun

A borderline personality disorder may be the best personality disorder to have.

I’m not kidding.

When you’re borderline, your emotions go from zero to sixty in a second. You feel everything more. Pain, suffering, sadness, angst, but also happiness, giddiness, surprise, love.

And you laugh louder and longer than anyone.

Plus you’re a cheap date when it comes to feeling the effects of drugs and alcohol.

It’s not great when side effects from meds make you want to jump in front of a train but on the plus side, you need small dosages of mental health meds to get a good reaction too when they work in your favour.

There’s always a plus side to everything, right? Even mental disorders. 🙂

Strattera: or how to swallow impending doom in a capsule

Okay, I’m off this shit. It’s making me want to jump off a bridge. Or leave everything. Or at the very least quit my job.

Side effects galore with this one: dysphoria. Look it up. It’s bad.

Dysphoria (from Greek: δύσφορος (dysphoros), from δυσ-, difficult, and φέρειν, to bear) is a state of feeling unwell or unhappy; a feeling of emotional and mental discomfort as a symptom ofdiscontentment, restlessness, dissatisfaction, malaise, depression, anxiety or indifference.

Yeah, I need that like I need a third nostril. My pharmacist is weaning me off as of tonight.

Fun fact: after taking it for a month, no beneficial effect on ADHD symptoms whatsoever. Quite the contrary in fact.

I’ll take hiked-up anxiety with Vyvanse anyday over this.

The thing is: I’ve been trying to get my head together to be a better mom for my kids for fifteen years now.  And that’s how old the eldest is… I’m running out of time…

My husband hasn’t left me yet: things are looking up.