Running in water

That’s what it feels like. It feels like running in water.

My brain is sluggish at best. In a few seconds, I can think: “Pick up $20 from the table and put in wallet.” “Grab cheque to pay therapy.” “Check time not to be late.” “Call to make appointment for kid’s haircut.” These thoughts just whiz by like lightning.  And are promptly forgotten the minute lightning strikes.

What ensues is a series of slaps on the forehead throughout the day. “Did you call for my haircut?” Shit. Forgot. Dring – “Yeah? I’m in the car. Can you find me the closest ATM to my therapist’s office? I forgot my cheque.” Fuck. If I had remembered to pick up the $20 on the table before I left, I would’ve had enough money on me to pay my therapist in cash… And I’m late to my therapist’s office. Of course.

Oh: and the therapist I’m talking about? Not a psychologist, she’s my occupational therapist who helps me with my ADHD, and gives me tricks and strategies not to forget stuff and get better organised since I can’t seem to tolerate any meds.

All these things cause me a serious amount of anxiety because thoughts that don’t whiz by to be forgotten the minute they show up just bounce around in my head until I freak out: “I have to write today.” “I have to exercise.” “I have to phone an orthodontist to set up an appointment for the kid’s  ingrown tooth.” “I have to read on OneNote.” “I have to find that web page on Scrivener that I liked but that disappeared when my computer broke down.” “I have to get back to so-and-so concerning that email she sent me months ago.” Ding, ding, ding. My head’s a regular pinball machine.

One trick: OHIO. Or Only Handle It Once. So now I’m gonna go back to cleaning up the kitchen that I left mid-task when my phone rang next to my computer which led me to write this post.

Brilliant.

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Twenty minutes

So my occupational therapist said I have to time myself when I work to see how long I last before my brain decides to jump to something else: that means it’s not interested in what I’m doing anymore and needs a break. If I do like I’ve always done in the past and try to keep going, scolding myself that I should be able to work just like everyone else, what a bad person I am not to be interested in my work, how come I can’t keep my focus, I must be the worst worker on the planet, I’m such a failure,  my brain shuts down.  To illustrate it to my o.t. (occupational therapist) I told her it was like having a curtain drop in front of my eyes. I can’t see anything anymore, I can’t see the words, I can’t read a full sentence without blanking out… So she said that when the curtain drops, I’ve let it go too long. I should stop before the curtain drops. Like when I have a “Squirrel – dog” moment.

http://youtu.be/xrAIGLkSMls

So I’m writing this post while I’m doing a translation that I am paid for. I also went on goodreads to read some flash fiction from some other members which I always enjoy. And now I’m getting tired, so I guess I should try to finish my translation.

So see you later, guys.