I got good comments on my short story, so I’ll publish it here. The photo showed two gay teens in a store, one kneeling in front of the other putting a ring on his partner’s finger. They looked to be around 16 or 17, not much older than that.
And here’s my story:
I wish
As I was paying at the cash for my new T-shirt, I heard giggling behind me. I looked up and the cashier was looking over my shoulder with a smile on her face. I turned around and saw the two guys I had seen earlier in the store, one on his knees putting a ring on the otherâs hand. The look of utter joy on the ring recipientâs face was so honest and happy it tugged at my heart. I couldnât hear what they were saying, but the love they were sharing was blasting from them.
âHere you go, have a nice dayâ. I turned back to the cash to see the girl behind the counter handing me my bag.
âThanksâ I said, grabbing the bag and making for the exit.
Outside, on the street, with the wind whipping at my face, I couldnât contain my sadness any longer. A sob escaped me, and my eyes stung. From the wind, I told myself. Yeah, right.
A loving scene like that would never happen for me and Kevin. I hadnât heard from him since that night, two months ago. If only I could take it back. If only I hadnât said it.
I started walking back home, my new T-shirt suddenly not so exciting anymore.
When I got home, the smell of roast chicken greeted me. At least supper would be good.
âHi honey. Did you find something to wear?â my mom asked as I walked in the kitchen.
âYeah. I found a T-shirtâ I said.
âGreat! Show meâ my mom said, turning around towards me. Her face fell. Mine must have been saying something. âWhatâs wrong, Chase?â
âNothing. Just tired I guessâ I said, more to the floor than to her. âHere it isâ. I pulled out the shirt from the bag to show it to her. My momâs hand came down on the T-shirt, pulling it away. She looked straight at me, the T-shirt forgotten.
âWhat happened, Chase? Tell meâ she insisted.
âIâm fine. Nothing happened. Really.â She knew I was lying and she knew I knew it too. I sighed.
âI just miss Kevin, thatâs allâ I said. My mom came around and hugged me. Her warmth made me want to cry all over again. I patted her back and pulled away before I lost it. âYou guys will work it out, youâll seeâ she said.
âChicken smells good. How much time do I have?â I asked.
âTwenty minutes or so. Do you want to talk about it?â my mom asked.
âNo. Iâm fine. Iâll be back in twentyâ I said. I went up to my room, leaving my bag and the T-shirt in the kitchen, not caring anymore.
I wasnât sure Iâd go to the dance. I thought I was better. Obviously, just one romantic scene with guys obviously so into each other and not caring about the world seeing it was enough for me to step back to two months ago, heartache included.
My phone buzzed. When r u picking me up?
Oh yeah. I was supposed to pick up Maxine. We had planned to go to the dance together, supporting each other. I was gonna suck it up and face seeing Kevin and she was gonna suck it up and face seeing Declin with his new girlfriend Mona. When we had talked about it, it seemed like a good idea. Now, not so much.
I donât think Iâll go I texted back.
What?? No way, uâr coming. U promised!
I donât feel so well.
My phone rang. Maxine. What a surprise.
âWhat do you mean you donât feel so well? Are you sick? Or are you chickening out on me?â She sounded pissed, not much concerned about my health.
âI just donât feel like going anymoreâ I said. âI had a bad day. Please donât be pissed.â
âOh come on Chase. We decided. Itâs for the best. Then we can both move on. And who knows, maybe weâll talk to new people and have fun.â
âEasy for you. Youâre not in the closet about anything. Now all the guys know youâre available again and youâll dance all night and Iâll be stuck standing against the wall wishing I was dead.â
âDonât say that. Donât even think it. Itâs not funny.â
I hadnât meant to worry her.
âOkay. Whatever. Iâll give you a ride and go in with you, but if you canât find me later, text me. If it gets too much Iâll wait for you in the car to take you home.â I was hoping sheâd go for it.
âHmm. Okay. âRound eight?â
âYupâ I disconnected. Looks like Iâm going to a dance, I thought.
After a nice dinner of roast chicken and peas, my favourite, I got ready, put on my new T-shirt and left to get Maxine.
Once in the car, Maxine turned to look at me. âOkay, so why the change of heart? I thought you were ready for this. Is it too soon?â
âTwo months isnât a long time to get over screwing up a five-year friendship, Max. Kevâs my best friend. Was my best friend. I still donât understand how you picked up right away how I felt about him after only a few weeks and he never noticed anything after five years. Maybe not such a best friend after all.â Thinking about it just made me feel like turning the car around. Max could find her own way to the dance.
âDonât be sillyâ she said. âIt didnât jump out at me. I just noticed how you looked at him when he wasnât aware. Iâm sorry I pushed you to tell him how you felt. I was so sure he felt the same wayâŚâ
âItâs over and done with. Letâs stop talking about you. You donât have to apologize again. I did what I did because I wanted to. And in a way, I donât have to wonder anymore if there could be something between Kev and I, so I just have to get used to not seeing him all the time anymore and thatâs whatâs the hardest.â I had already told her all this. Repeating it might convince me someday.
Maxine just put her hand on my leg and squeezed. She turned towards the window.
âDo you think Mona is prettier than me?â
âWhere did that come from?â I asked.
âWell, I know I broke up with Dec, but I didnât think itâd be so hard seeing him with another girl, that it would bother me so much.â
Now it was my turn to squeeze her arm. âI donât think it has anything to do with Mona being prettier than you, Max. Itâs probably normal. It just confirms your relationship is really over.â She sighed heavily, still looking out the window. âCome on. Youâre supposed to be all excited about going dancing and seeing your friends. Rebecca will be there, right? And Sarah?â
âYeah, theyâre coming.â
I never thought Maxine and I would become such close friends. Five months ago, she started going out with Declin who plays on the same basketball team as Kevin. I donât play myself but I was welcome to hang with them, being Kevinâs friend. It seemed so long ago now. Maxine and I would chat when the guys were talking about the last game or goofing off like the jocks they were, and we developed a friendship that now was so important to me. She was the only one who knew I was gay and how I felt about Kevin. Sheâs the one who convinced me to tell him how I felt instead of torturing myself slowly wondering if.
Again, the regret I felt about telling Kevin started burning in my stomach. If I could only take it back.
We were in the basement at Kevinâs house. Declin, Maxine and the other guys had just left. Maxine had winked at me, encouraging me, before she left. Kevin and I were sitting on the couch, the movie had just finished.
âI think things are going south between Dec and Max. Did you notice?â Kevin asked.
âYeah, I kinda noticed theyâre not so touchy-feely as they used to be.â
âThatâs why I stay away from girls. Too much trouble.â
Thereâs my chance, I thought. We never talked about girls when we were alone together. Itâs something Kevin did with the guys when we were with them, but he and I didnât really get into that. I thought it was a good sign, perhaps a point in my favour.
âI always thought it might have something to do with, you knowâŚâ My throat dried up. I didnât know how to continue.
âTo do with what?â Kevin asked, looking up at me from the bowl of chips he was finishing. âWhat, Chase?â
Uh oh. I didnât want him to be on the defensive. Bad move.
âJust, you know⌠you not being interested in girlsâŚâ I mumbled.
âWho says Iâm not interested? What are you getting at?â Kevin started to sound annoyed. I knew I shouldnât have said anything.
âWell, the last time you dated someone was Sally in freshman year. And that only lasted three weeksâ I was fumbling. I didnât know how to get back to what I wanted to say. This was not it.
âSo because I choose not to get into the hassle of having a girlfriend all of a sudden Iâm not interested in girls? What are you getting at, Chase? You think Iâm gay??â
Oh shit. Fuck. I messed it up. He was pissed.
âWell, it wouldnât matter if you were, Kev. Relax, man, I didnât mean anything.â I had to get out of here. Now. âAnyway, Iâm gonna goâ I said, getting up from the couch.
Kevin shot up and blocked me.
âNo way, youâre not leaving after dropping this bomb. You think Iâm gay? Why?â I could see fear in his eyes. And anger. And⌠something else. Not sure what.
âListen, itâs okay whatever you are. I was just wondering, you knowâŚâ I didnât know what to say. I really wanted to leave. âWhatâs wrong with being gay?â I asked.
âNothingâs wrong with being gay. Whatâs happening with you? Where did all this come from, Chase?â
âWould it matter to you if you found out I was gay?â There. I said it. My heart was pumping in my throat, I could hear it in my ears. Kevinâs face was frozen, his eyes just staring into me.
âAre you saying you are?â He looked shocked. I didnât know if I should turn it into a joke or admit it. It seemed like hours passed, but actually it was probably a few seconds.
âYeah, Kev. Iâm gay. And I was sort of hoping you were too.â My heart didnât slow down, but my chest felt like it was caught in a giant grip. Air wasnât coming out.
Kevinâs face was still frozen. He was standing a foot from me. His hand came up and slapped his forehead. He squeezed his eyes shut. He turned around, away from me, and took two steps to separate us.
âJesus, Chase.â He turned towards me, staring, wild-eyed. The anger had gone from his eyes, but the fear was still there, and that something else. Disappointment? Outrage? I wasnât sure what. âShit. Fuck.â Â Kevin kept spewing out swear words.
I didnât know what to say. I just turned and left, running up the stairs, not even saying goodbye to his parents.
When I was backing up the car from his driveway, Kevin opened the door. I could see him mouthing something. I didnât stop. I put the car in drive and took off. Everything changed from that moment on. Kevin didnât call or text the following day. Then Monday came and I couldnât face him so I sat with the guys from my chess club at lunch and changed my routine so I wouldnât have to run in to Kevin. Only Maxine knew what was going on. She felt bad. No one else commented on my absence from the basketball gang. Two weeks later Maxine broke up with Declin and we started eating lunch together and hanging out more often. It was the perfect excuse not to be with the guys from the team. I would catch Kevin looking at me sometimes from across the cafeteria. I couldnât forget the look in his eyes when I suggested he might be gay. It cut right through me. So I usually looked away, not wanting to see that again. Ever. I just hoped he didnât tell anybody about me, but so far our common friends didnât react differently to me, still said Hi and everything.
As I sat there in my car with Maxine, parked in the school lot, everything washing over me again, I felt like I was back to that night when I got home and thought my world had just ended.
âCome on, Chase. Letâs go.â Maxine got out of the car and waited for me.
I got out and we walked together to the dance, neither of us saying anything.
Inside the gym, the music was blaring, the lights were low, and lots of people were dancing. I spotted Declin and Mona dancing together. I looked over at Max and saw she had spotted them too. I grabbed her arm.
âCome on, letâs get a drinkâ. I steered us towards the refreshment table. Cutting through people standing and talking, I stopped in my tracks. âWhat?â asked Maxine, until she got a good view of the refreshment table.
Kevin was standing by the table with a couple of the guys. I just froze. He turned to look towards us and Max just grabbed my hand and kept going. Reluctantly, I followed her. My heart started thumping. I knew my hand was getting clammy in Maxineâs but it didnât seem to bother her.
âHey guysâ Max said when we reached the guys.
They all turned to said hello and Maxine started talking to them. Kevin just looked at me. I could feel his eyes on me. He hadnât answered Maxâs greeting.
I looked up and saw him right next to me. He mustâve moved. He was standing close.
âHey Chase.â
Say something. Anything. This is why youâre here. To move on.
âHey Kevin. Howâs it goingâ I said, and congratulated myself for keeping my eyes level with his.
âOkay. You?â
âFine.â Wow. After five years of hanging out, countless sleepovers and comfortable silences, we were reduced to this.
âSoâŚâ Kevin said. You could cut the tension with a knife.
I took a big gulp of air. I just remembered I needed to breathe.
âYeah… SoâŚ. Good going on the last game. Heard you guys won.â Great. Stick to sports. Thatâll work. I looked out at the dance floor.
âThanks.â After a few seconds, he said âYou didnât come.â He sounded disappointed. Or did he? Maybe I was reading too much into those words. He wasnât asking. He was accusing.
âOh, yeah, I couldnât make itâ I said.
âI think itâs the first time you werenât there. I looked for you.â
Wait. What was that? He looked for me?
âI really didnât think youâd notice one way or anotherâŚâ I said.
âOf course I noticed. Weâve been friends for ever and itâs the first time you didnât see me play.â He almost sounded hurt.
âWell we havenât been talking much lately. I didnât think youâd want me thereâ I said.
Maxine was chatting with two guys, holding a cup. At least she got something to drink. My throat was so dry, I could use some liquid. My heart was thumping. Kevin and I were looking out at the people dancing while we talked.
âWhy would you think that? Iâm not the one who ran off after dropping a fucking bombâ Kevin said. He sounded angry. I turned to look at him. He was still watching people dance, but his face didnât express anger. He looked hurt.
I didnât know what to say. The music was too loud. There were too many people. Maxine looked like she was fine.
âIâm sorry Kevin. I wish I hadnât said anything.â I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to tell him that I missed him, and that I wanted us to be like before. I wanted him to walk in the front door of my house without knocking, yelling âHi Mister and Missus Tylerâ and running up to my room. I wanted him to tell me about basketball plays I had no interest in, just so I could watch the excitement on his face. I wanted to go to the movies with him and not worry about our hands touching in the popcorn tub. I wanted my friend back.
I didnât say any of those things. I walked away. I stormed out of school and ran to my car. I texted Maxine to tell her Iâd be waiting to take her home, to have fun.
This day sucked. The image of the guys in the store today came crashing back, one on his knees in front of his beloved, putting a ring on his finger and him glowing with happiness. How I wish I could have done something like that with Kevin. The heaviness in my chest was still there, but at least I was breathing normally. I laid my head back on the seat and closed my eyes.
My car door being opened made me jump. I hit my left hand on the steering wheel. âOuchâ.
Kevin was standing there, looking half-mad.
âGet outâ he said.
After a second, my limbs were working again and I got out of the car slowly. I didnât know what to expect. I was a little afraid heâd hit me.
I stood next to my car door. Kevin took a step toward me. I flinched. His face fell, and he took a step back.
âWhat the fuck, Chase? You think Iâm gonna hurt you?â he asked, his face paling.
âWhy are you here?â I managed to ask.
âYou donât get to run away from me again. You canât keep doing that.â He was staring at me, that look of fear and hurt again in his eyes.
âI said I was sorry. I shouldnât have said anything. I wish we could go back to being friends like before. Just stop looking at me like that.â I couldnât look him in the eye anymore. I couldnât stand it, knowing I ruined everything.
âIâm sorry too. Iâm sorry you caught me off guard. I wish I could go back to that night and get a chance to talk to you. Iâm sorry I reacted like that. I should have called you.â He sounded so sincere.
âChase. Look at me.â He put his hand on my arm, warm and gentle. I looked up into his eyes. The fear was gone. âYou surprised me. I wasnât brave like you. I wasnât ready to tell you. I was afraid youâd judge me or push me away. When you ran off, I thought I blew it.â
I was stunned. What was he saying?
Kevin said: âLook, I know I might be too late and you probably hate me for being a coward and not running after you, but can we start over?â
âStart what over?â I had no idea where he was going with this. Start a new friendship? Could we? After this? And what was that about being a coward? I realized I was trembling a little. Could he feel it? His hand was still on my arm.
âIf you hadnât left, I was going to work up the nerve to tell you that it was okay for you to be gay, that I was hoping you were too and that maybe we couldâŚâ He let go of my arm, looked away. âI understand if Iâm too late. Youâre hurt that I didnât contact you. Iâm sorry.â
A tiny flicker of hope lit up in my stomach.
âIâm not sure I understandâ I said. I so did not want to screw this up more.
âIâm saying Iâve been into you for a couple of years now but never had the guts to say anything and when you did, I was too stunned to do anything about it. Iâm saying I want to kiss you so bad I donât know whatâs stopping me.â
And he did. Kevin kissed me. It was a small, quick kiss, his eyes open, looking at my reaction.
âThat all you got?â I grabbed his head with my left hand, my right going around his waist, pulling him to me. Our lips met, hard this time. The top of my head felt like it was going to pop right off. Kevin kissed me back. Our lips were moving together, crushing against each other. Kevinâs tongue reached out, and I opened my mouth to him. Our tongues touched and it was hot and amazing and I wanted to kiss him forever. Kevin had moved his arms around me and was holding me close. I could smell him, a familiar scent but made more potent by our nearness. It was bliss and joy and when Kevin broke the kiss, he hugged me to him and whispered in my ear âI got a lot more for you. Will you let me show you?â
I didnât think it could feel like this. My heart was bursting out of my chest, my throat was swollen, my ears were pulsating.
âIâd love itâ I said, nuzzling his neck.
My phone buzzed. Rick said heâd take me home. U can leave if u want 2. R u ok?
I texted back Iâm great. With K. Talk 2 u l8er.
Maxine answered with a smiley face. She would be full of questions the next day.
Kevin still had one arm around me. âYou wanna go to my house?â he asked.
âSure. Letâs go.â We got in my car. Before I put it in drive, Kevin reached over and put his hand on my neck. âThanks for giving me another chance.â
âAre you kidding? Iâm just glad you feel the same way!â Glad was putting it mildly.
Kevin pulled me toward him, placing another kiss on my mouth, this time more gently. We stayed like that, our lips just touching, nipping, exploring for what seemed like too short a time.
âLetâs go. We have some catching up to do.â
Yes we did.
I thought of the store guys. I was wondering if they were as happy as I was tonight. Probably not. No one could be happier.