What my days should be like

My days should start with eating a small amount of plain yogourt, the Greek kind with 0% fat, drizzled with maple syrup, thirty minutes of power walking while watching an episode of something on Netflix, breakfast and coffee, emails, Facebook, lunch with kids if they’re up, kitchen duties and preparing supper in advance, going to classes if I’m giving any that day, supper, writing and bed.

My days start with waking up too early, reading too much in bed, like a couple of hours, getting hungry, having a big breakfast because of it, feeling bloated by the big breakfast, putting off the exercise because of it, feeling guilty, emails, feeding the kids if they’re up,  forgetting to eat again until feeling faint and nauseous, checking twitter and getting distracted by pictures of yummy men, running late for no apparent reason going to class if I’m giving one that day, leaving class way too hungry, getting home and throwing together a supper while my husband, just home from work, does the kitchen duties, getting distracted from writing by wasting time on Facebook and other nonsense and bed.

Who said ADHD sufferers shouldn’t feel like failures….

Running in water

That’s what it feels like. It feels like running in water.

My brain is sluggish at best. In a few seconds, I can think: “Pick up $20 from the table and put in wallet.” “Grab cheque to pay therapy.” “Check time not to be late.” “Call to make appointment for kid’s haircut.” These thoughts just whiz by like lightning.  And are promptly forgotten the minute lightning strikes.

What ensues is a series of slaps on the forehead throughout the day. “Did you call for my haircut?” Shit. Forgot. Dring – “Yeah? I’m in the car. Can you find me the closest ATM to my therapist’s office? I forgot my cheque.” Fuck. If I had remembered to pick up the $20 on the table before I left, I would’ve had enough money on me to pay my therapist in cash… And I’m late to my therapist’s office. Of course.

Oh: and the therapist I’m talking about? Not a psychologist, she’s my occupational therapist who helps me with my ADHD, and gives me tricks and strategies not to forget stuff and get better organised since I can’t seem to tolerate any meds.

All these things cause me a serious amount of anxiety because thoughts that don’t whiz by to be forgotten the minute they show up just bounce around in my head until I freak out: “I have to write today.” “I have to exercise.” “I have to phone an orthodontist to set up an appointment for the kid’s  ingrown tooth.” “I have to read on OneNote.” “I have to find that web page on Scrivener that I liked but that disappeared when my computer broke down.” “I have to get back to so-and-so concerning that email she sent me months ago.” Ding, ding, ding. My head’s a regular pinball machine.

One trick: OHIO. Or Only Handle It Once. So now I’m gonna go back to cleaning up the kitchen that I left mid-task when my phone rang next to my computer which led me to write this post.

Brilliant.

F*@%k F*@%k F*@%k

Pfff…. Another medication in the toilet.

Biphentin not only gives me painful acne but joint pain. And here I thought it was old age…

I’m only taking a small dosage to gradually increase to a dosage that would work and I’ll have to give it up, like the other ones.

I am so sick of this ADHD thing you have no idea.

Was it better not knowing? I wonder… I didn’t know I had it, thus lived my life thinking I was incompetent and a scatterbrain but now I know why I’m incompetent and a scatterbrain and I can’t do a bloody thing about it!

 

I did it!

Not well, a bit awkward, but I did it. I wrote 32,000 words for a story! Yay! It’ll be published someday by the Goodreads group. Phew. 

I’m so proud I could burst. Not about the work, because I frankly don’t think it’s very good – it may be readable but it could be so much better. I’m proud because I finished it.

I had been taking 10 measly little milligrams of Ritalin a day and the story was just not coming out. It was in my head, but it was sluggish and I couldn’t find the ending. May 1st came around and the story had a beginning but no end, no meat, no structure, nothing but a bunch of incoherent thoughts I couldn’t reach even if I felt they were there all along. I got an extension to May 15th and I started taking 20 mg of Biphentin (same molecule as Ritalin but slow released). 

Miraculously, the story just wrote itself. The ending is a bit rushed because I had to finish it quickly and I even asked for an extra day. 

At least I finished it.

ADHD is fucking exhausting. 

It’s not easy.. but then what is?

Raising children isn’t easy. Cooking an edible turkey isn’t easy. Picking the fastest check-out lane in the supermarket is never easy. Sometimes getting up in the morning isn’t easy.

But writing? Shit. It’s fucking hard.

Try it with ADHD and meds that don’t work.

It’s like running with your head against a wall, your nose squished sideways and your feet sliding down the wall every time you try to take a step…

Torture.

 

What the hell was I thinking?

In this post, I was questioning my sanity in signing up for the Love’s Landscape Event on Goodreads. Remember? No? No problem: I signed up to write a story from a photo prompt.

The story is due May 1st. That’s in five days. I’ve known about this event for a month. I started writing three weeks ago. I wrote around four thousand words, only to scrap about a thousand. Then I stepped away from it for many days, waiting for inspiration. I’ve had an idea of what the story would be about since I saw the photo, but certain key elements were still vague.

I’ve been trying Ritalin for my ADHD. I’m still taking a baby dose because after what happened with the Strattera, the doctor is weary of my reactions to meds. No kidding.

I was hoping the Ritalin would help me write this story. Actually, I was counting on it. It didn’t happen. I’m hardly feeling anything positive but then I’m not suffering from horrible side effects either, so that’s good I guess. Still, I shouldn’t have counted on that.

In perfect ADHD mode, I’ve procrastinated until five days from the due date to write the story. I’ve been writing furiously for four hours today. I’m up to 8,700 words so far.

I’m not sure I’ll finish on time, but I sure will try.

It’ll probably suck but I’ll do the best I can. Wish me luck.

*sighs loudly

Cold Turkey

Off meds as of today – had to quit Strattera or jump off a bridge. Quit Strattera a couple of weeks ago. Was back on Vyvanse because the doctor is away until the 18th and didn’t want to prescribe anything else with unknown side effects without proper monitoring.

Turns out the heavy acne problem around Christmas was not stress but in fact Vyvanse side effect No. 2987450. So painful it gives me headaches. Quit that today.

Will be going cold turkey for a week. Will I still be writing? Will I get out of bed? Will I cry for no apparent reason like today?

Stay tuned for the fun, folks.

Strattera: or how to swallow impending doom in a capsule

Okay, I’m off this shit. It’s making me want to jump off a bridge. Or leave everything. Or at the very least quit my job.

Side effects galore with this one: dysphoria. Look it up. It’s bad.

Dysphoria (from Greek: δύσφορος (dysphoros), from δυσ-, difficult, and φέρειν, to bear) is a state of feeling unwell or unhappy; a feeling of emotional and mental discomfort as a symptom ofdiscontentment, restlessness, dissatisfaction, malaise, depression, anxiety or indifference.

Yeah, I need that like I need a third nostril. My pharmacist is weaning me off as of tonight.

Fun fact: after taking it for a month, no beneficial effect on ADHD symptoms whatsoever. Quite the contrary in fact.

I’ll take hiked-up anxiety with Vyvanse anyday over this.

The thing is: I’ve been trying to get my head together to be a better mom for my kids for fifteen years now.  And that’s how old the eldest is… I’m running out of time…

My husband hasn’t left me yet: things are looking up.

Where’s my mind?

I think I left it in the washing machine.

Because it’s all soggy, washed out, dripping ideas down the drain.

It was so much fun taking ADHD meds called Vyvanse around Christmas time. I wrote and wrote and wrote.

I could write from 6 p.m. to midnight non-stop, words just flowing on the page – I would write so fast I left out some words. I wrote emotion, sex, descriptions. I could literally see the story unfold in my mind.

I asked my friend to read it for me and give me her opinions and ideas for changes.

I asked another friend to read a scene because she could be one of the characters.

Both gave me encouragement and praise.

My husband read the whole fifteen chapters and even if it’s a subject he’d never read on his own, he liked it. He also had ideas, caught mistakes and gave me praise.

Unfortunately, the meds also made me anxious and cut down my attention span to that of a gnat’s so I had to stop taking them.

And I stopped writing. Almost completely. Look at my latest postings on this blog and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

While weaning off the meds, my mom was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer, hence the post 3 months to live.

Now I’m taking another type of meds, Strattera, which are not working well so far. They leave me feeling depressed, desperate and sad. They don’t even lighten the ADHD symptoms yet – they take weeks before showing any improvement and I haven’t even reached the proper dosage yet – still implementing them gradually.

This is my second attempt at writing in almost a month – see here for the first one.

I read a post by Chuck Wendig, this writer I follow, who said we have to write everyday, even on days when we don’t feel like it. So here I am, writing.

The effort has given me a headache. Should have put my brain in the delicate cycle.

Oh boy…

Nothing like saying stupid things for all of my son’s friends to hear. That’s what I get for letting him play online games with people across the world with headphones and a microphone in the middle of the family room… (I yelled out “stupid testicle” – I know it sounds weird out of context).

Anyway. Tomorrow trying new ADHD meds, should take a few weeks before I see results. Maybe I’ll stop yelling stupid things (impulsive you think?). I hope I can start writing again. I miss it, but for the life of me I can’t sit still and read through what I wrote so far…